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Ancient History

So, I was going through my old LiveJournal earlier (the one I had previous to getting this account) and I found something from 2003, back when Mike Betzen and I were still dating. I just found it interesting, so I thought I'd share.

Mike posted this on his DeadJournal back during the time we were dating, and everything kinda started to fall apart:

what am i doing to robert?
i like robert
he's my friend, but i think that's what i see him as, a friend,
not just a friend...
but not really too much more than a friend

i love being around him, and i really enjoy his company, i love holding his hand, i love giving him hugs, i love lying down and watching movies with him,
but i know he thinks of me so much more
he thinks he loves me
two days after we had met he had already said "i love you"
i love you?
after two days?
he says he's been in love before, so he knows what the signs feel like
he says he's been in love with a guy who was strait, who didn't love him back, but he still loved him, so he can tell he's falling in love with me
does he know what the difference is between love and an infatuation?
he's infatuated with me, he tells me he's been thinking of me all day, wich is nice, but is it healthy?
there's nothing wrong with thinking about someone, but if you try to spend every waking minute of the day with them it can become unhealthy - emotionally
if you become so infatuated with someone then it'll get to the point where you can feel your heart bursting inside you when you're not around them, you long for them when you're not with them, and you can't enjoy the other people you're around
i love tawny, i enjoy being around her, but i don't long for her when i'm not, and that's a healthy relationship, and look at people who've been together for 10, 20 years, and see how they love being around eachother, but they're not dying when they're apart,
i like robert a lot, but i'm not infatuated, i don't have to sit there and be touching him every time i'm in his presence
can't i just enjoy his presence? there are other people around and still he's reaching for my hand, he's trying to drag me off to the back to make out with him, why can't we just enjoy being with eachother? is that not enough?
do i have to drop everyone else to just go off and be with just robert?
it's rude to make out in front of people, but isn't it just as rude to leave them and go make out in private?
it's fine if we're already outside alone, or with other people making out, then i can be for it
but i find myself doing it for him
like i said, i'm not infatuated, i see him as a really good friend, i don't find myself just looking at him wishing i was kissing him, i find myself looking at him happy he's there
i don't know if i made him mad last night, i was trying to be not-so-touchy, and i don't know what he thought about it, i'm trying to let him understand how i feel without having to sit down and flat out talk to him about it, he might take it the wrong way, it might upset him, he lets his emotions fly with the wind, i've seen it (within just two days) and other people i know have said the same things about him,
can't we take it slow? i'm trying, why is he having such a problem? why does he feel the need to fall directly into a serious long term relationship?
i'm not saying i want this to end quickly, but i'm not looking at it planning out the rest of my future around it
there are still so many people out there i havn't met, he's only my 3rd boyfriend
and i'm his 1st
both of us need to have chances to meet many people, to help us discover ourselves, to help us learn what we like, what we look for, what we go well with, we shouldn't be just looking at our signs going "oh, you're sagitarius, i'm aries, we'll go perfect together"
we don't know that
how can i know who i go well with when i've only tried two other guys?
i'm just looking at this more of an exploration of myself rather than a plan for my future
i really want to date several guys in my life, and if robert and i still really like eachother, we can always come back together, but i want the chance to get to know my options
i'm not saying i want this to end right now, i'm not saying it's ever going to, i could be wrong, it could end up flying to the moon, but i don't want it to be getting so serious this fast
i'm ejoying it, but is an infatuation really necessary?
i don't want robert to think i'm breaking up with him, i'm not, and i'm not liking him any less
i like him just as much as i always have, i just want him to know that it's not as much as he's thinking
that's all i want
and i hope i didn't ruin anything with this post
i'm done

so do stars move?
they just might.

Going back through and re-reading it now, with almost eight years behind us, I realize what he meant and how he felt. And in all honesty, I feel kinda bad about how I acted, because he was right.

I was just so lovestruck and enamored with the idea that someone really enjoyed being around me and found me attractive, that I felt like "This has to be love" even though it wasn't. Sure, there was something there between the two of us, we formed some sort of bond over that short period of time, but it wasn't love. At least not love in the romantic sense of "Only one person in the world for me." I have a lot of pent up feelings about that whole time in my life, and while I certainly don't regret being myself, I feel disappointed with how idealistic and naïve I was at the age of eighteen.

What I'm Writing About:


It's about time.

I've only been waiting twelve fucking years for this game.

What I'm Writing About:

First off, hi again. I'm not dead.

Second off, after this was brought up on Facebook and I thought about it, I was really curious about the thoughts of my gay friends on LJ.

So the Provincetown Bear Week event has come and gone and I had a LOT of friends on Facebook go. All of them have been posting about it and that's fine. But an interesting discussion cropped up on a friends Wall: Has the Bear community turned inwards upon itself?

The reason this cropped up was that, after a little research, my friend had noticed that the same groups of people were popping up in everyone's photo sets, very much akin to the "popular kids" in High School being in all the "candid" yearbook photos. And it seems to strike me as somewhat of a disturbing trend.

I take issue with "Bear" events like PTown simply because it shows what the community seems to have become. The Bear community has turned into the same vapid and shallow group of men that it was initially fighting to separate itself from in the so-called "mainstream" circuit boi/twink community. Nearly all the guys in these pictures had the same body type over and over again. There was no diversity. What happened to the Bear community to make it such an abhorrent mutation of itself?

So here's my questions to you all, and I'd love it if you guys would take some time and respond.

Do you think that the Bear community has turned inwards on itself? Why or why not?

If yes, what do you think happened to cause the Bear community to cause it to mutate and change into the seemingly mainstream gay culture it has become?

What I'm Writing About:


From here on out, this journal is to be kept FRIENDS ONLY.

Anyone not on my FList - Please comment to be added.

What I'm Writing About: